I am sitting here looking at the clock in the bottom right hand of my computer noticing that I have 12 hours and 50 minutes until my family of 3 becomes a family of 4!
I have been waiting for this day for 9 months, have spent most of those 9 months dreading being pregnant for numerous reasons. One being I hated the ridiculous amount of doctors appointments I had to attend, at one point I was almost going to 3 a week, especially with gas being so expensive! I hated having almost NO energy for a good portion of my pregnancy. In the last few months I have had a low tolerance for anything. I feel extremely guilty about my patience, or lack there of with Chandler. He is a ball of energy and sometimes the fact that I couldn't keep up with him really stressed me out to the point where I would catch myself snapping at him and feeling awful about it. Being in a pretty large amount of pain for more than half of my pregnancy also did not help me enjoy it anymore.
I tried to tell myself "It's all going to be worth it" and even I know that is so true, I just couldn't accept that as a good enough explanation or excuse for having to deal with what I have been going through. Even as I am writing this I feel so guilty and lame for actually complaining so much. I have just come to the conclusion that being pregnant is definitely not for me. I don't enjoy any part of it. Its not relaxing or enjoyable in anyway. But I do know that the payoff is what does make it worthwhile.
But after all the time being miserable, and wanting to not be pregnant anymore, and just wanting my little baby to be here, I have decided tonight, now with 12 hours and 42 minutes left that I think I should be pregnant for a few more weeks. I think that my house needs to be cleaned again (even though I bleached, polished, washed and organized every inch of my house yesterday). I feel like I need a little more time alone with Chandler. I am so nervous that he is going to feel neglected or replaced. I am so nervous that I am not going to love Kennadie in the same way I do Chandler, because how could I love anyone more than I love him? I think that I probably have forgotten to prepare myself with items for the baby. Last but not least I am scared to death about knowing that I am going into the hospital to have a surgery. I know I have done it before, but I didn't even know that was coming. I never had time to get nervous. I have had months and months of time thinking about May 16th. I have counted down the months, and weeks, then days, and now just mere hours! Not even a whole day left. Its freaking me out!
The feeling I am feeling is so much more than butterflies! No it's not little Miss Kennadie bouncing around in there, even though she is. Its extreme anxiety. I hope that it doesnt get worse once we walk through those hospital doors. Literally just writing those words right now... "hospital doors" made me feel like I was going to vomit! I need to calm down I know.
She will be here tomorrow afternoon around Noon! I appreciate all the support I have received from my family and friends! And I cannot wait for my "baby" Chandler to be a big brother, to hold my little girl that I have been dreaming of since I don't know when, and for my already amazing family of THREE to become FOUR! We will be absolutely complete and it feels good to know that!
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